Shortly after losing Eva I read a book, among many. But, Somewhere More Holy by Tony Woodlief gave me some new language. Some of this language comes out now when my sons ask who I love best. Now I tell them that in my heart are many rooms and each one of them has their very own room. Eva also has a room...is it an empty room now? No, it is not empty. It is full. Full of love for the little princess I could only lavish love on for 10 short months.
I have 3 sons on earth who bless me daily. I have 1 daughter in heaven and am constantly amazed how many people have been touched through her brief life...but there is one more. One more child I have been keeping a secret from you. A child who is a significant part of our lives. A little girl. A little girl 8 months older than Eva would have been. A little girl who loves girly things, shoes, strollers, kisses, hugs, and 'pretties' in her hair. My heart is torn with this little girl . I want to lavish love on her but my heart is often heavy. When she does cute things I imagine my little Eva doing those things very soon...and it hurts. I want to admire Eva as she makes new discoveries and toddles around her world and my heart. What is she doing in heaven right now? Is she toddling around? Does an angel tuck her in for naps?
And butterflies. Butterflies are for Eva...when this other little girl has butterflies on her clothes (as girls often do)...I see my little Eva there...and somehow she is with us (it's amazing the straws we grasp at, really). My heart yearns for Eva, but this other girl, this little blond pumpkin, is building herself a room in my heart.
This post isn't much today but it's been in my heart...