Before and After

There is one Me divided in two. There is the Me who lived before Eva died and there is the Me who lives now.  I feel like my life is cleanly sliced at August 15th 2011 at 9:15pm.  There is the Me with hope and the hopeless one.  There is the faith-filled Me and the one who wonders why pray anyway, because it seems God will do what He wants anyway.  I know know know in my head that this isn't true but I am so mad and hurt....why did it have to be Eva? When so many people around the world prayed for her? All these crack-babies and FAS babies and all those babies that people abort and why my Eva who I loved more than life. I would cut off my right arm and run naked through the streets of the city if I could get my baby back.  This new Me isn't really Me but it's who I am right now...if that makes any sense. 
Everyone has said how my faith has been a testiomony to them, then why do I feel so empty inside when I've alledgedly inspired so many people? 
Anyway, this blog is called after eva because that's what the rest of my life will be until I get to die and go to Heaven.  Can't wait to see her face again...I hope she's the first person I see when I get there.  Sometimes I think about all the years and years I have to go through before I get to see Eva again and I wonder how I'll make it through...I never thought before that I would yearn to be 80 and on my deathbed...or maybe 50 or 60 if I'm lucky.  Hopefully not before that though because I still have to raise up my sons to be the men they are destined to become...and maybe when that time comes I'll enjoy life again and want to see grandchildren.  Samuel says when he has a daughter he wants to name her Eva...he says we should have more girls and name them all Eva...I hope he does name a daughter Eva...that will warm my heart.
I just wish I could  have a glimpse of Heaven now...just a taste and see my girl for a moment...