Sometimes I am driving and feeling okay. And then thoughts of you come in my mind. Sometimes you feel like a dream. I wonder if you ever really were part of this world. It seems unreal that I should have had you and lost you so quickly. I can't even imagine you as a five year old. But I know you were here and there is a hole in my heart the shape of you that hurts beyond belief even this many years later. I never thought it was possible to weep so much for someone so many years later. Some days I'm okay and some days it's like you died yesterday and all I want to do is scoop you up into my arms and hold you forever. I don't want to die as I know I'm needed here and I truly love your brothers (and Josie) but the anticipation of living so many more years with this hole in my heart is horrible. The hardest part is there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. Nothing.
I miss you baby girl. I wish you would come to me in a dream but I've given up hoping, even for that.
I love you and I will hold you again, in heaven.