Saturday, March 21, 2015
I went to the hospital Friday with baby Felix for a heart check. Nathan played with some trains. Samuel helped me so much pushing the babies around. I spent several moments bawling in various corners of the hospital. I just miss my little girl so much there. I know lots of bereaved parents hate going back to the hospital but I seem drawn like a moth to a flame. It burns me and my grief surfaces intensely. But I like reconnecting with my grief in some levels. I like that even though I'm normal at home. Even though I rarely weep at home. Even though sometimes I feel disconnected from my daughter at home I can go back there and dose myself in pain. Know that the non-pain is only superficial. She is still and always intensely grieved. The hospital just scrapes a little of the sheen off of me. Reconnecting with my heartache feels good. She is so intensely missed. I am still so sad even though I am also happy. I guess it's just strangely good to know it's still there. Always.