Sunday, October 14, 2012

Anticipation.

In the days leading up to my children's birthdays I always seem to reflect on the days leading up to their actual births.  I remember how heavy I felt and how I eagerly anticipated meeting my child.

Today is the day before Eva's birthday and I do the same with her. She was 12 days late and kept us all waiting on our little princess.  I would have been induced on the Saturday but she came of her own accord on Friday.

Today I went shopping by myself. I bought a little growing up girl for her. I can't believe this is the second one I've bought. I can't believe that this is the second birthday we will be celebrating without her. 

I also bought an angel food cake. This is just what I happened to buy, in the deliriousness of last year, but angel food cake seems appropriate for our precious girl in Heaven. And as I walked out of the same store as I walked out of last year holding this angel food cake for my dead girl. I put it in the truck and I broke down sobbing. How I wish that instead of buying angel food cake I was working on a homemade cake for her. A flower or a butterfly or a ladybug or whatever. Something colourful and fun for my little two year old.

Instead I am buying angel food cake.

I wanted to have presents at her party too and there are only so many presents you can buy a child who doesn't need or want anything at all.  So I bought stuff for the boys and sunflower hairclips for little J. I took so long deciding what small thing to get them all because my eyes kept going over to the girly toys I wished I was perusing instead, in anticipation of Eva's birthday. 

I also had one large regret over something I never bought for Eva when she was a newborn. And, so, because she never grows, I've decided to get her one for her second birthday but also as a newborn gift. Strange I know. But, trust me, nothing is stranger than birthday shopping for your dead child. And because birthdays need surprises I won't be telling you what it is I bought for my little princess (and me, really) for the celebration of her birthday tomorrow.



10 comments:

  1. Happy birthday dear little Eva...

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  2. You and Eva are often in my thoughts, Em. I'm so, so sorry she isn't here to celebrate with you.

    Happy birthday, Eva love. <3

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  3. Thinking of Eva on her birthday today.

    It is not how it should be. Xx

    I have found myself buying things for Catherine too xx I think your brain is programmed to bring up a child, and it can never fully accept that they died, and they don't need anything.

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  4. Happy 2nd Birthday Eva...I can't wait to hear what your mom bought for the surprise...praying for your mom lots this weekend:)

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  5. Happy birthday Eva! Remembering her with you today Em.

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  6. Remembering and wishing sweet Eva a happy birthday. And for you Em, may it be a peaceful day adorned with joy. ~Renee

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  7. Oh, oh, Em. Birthdays without her. I'm so sorry. I wish Eva were here today to be surprised and celebrated. Sending huge hugs and remembering Eva.

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  8. I came by here today to remember Eva and let you know once again I love you and am praying for you, Mike, the boys and little J.

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