We received many Christmas cards again this year. I continue to abhor the jolliness. The cards started trickling in in early December. I saved them all in a stack so I wouldn't have to torture myself opening jolly cards daily that speak only to the joy of the season. Gah, I would have thought the first Christmas without Eva would have been the worst (and it was) but as the years march on and she isn't missing from anyone's life but mine and my immediate family I hate Christmas more and more. I saved all the cards together hoping against hope that maybe just one card would put Eva's name on there in brackets or something and thus redeem the whole pile of cards. But no. Even cards where all the kids names were listed she was conspicuously absent (in my eyes only). At least I got it all over in one fell swoop thus saving me hours of extra pain. I hate this. I almost just threw them all in the trash without opening them but the stupid hope that someone would care enough to remember and use the ink to add three small letters to a Christmas card got the better of me and here we go again. I used to love Christmas cards. Saving them from year to year to read again as I got the decorations out for another season. Who was that person anyway? I can scarce recognize who I was nor who I have become. The loss of a child changes you in so many ways. A parents grief truly is like no other.
This year the cards went straight to the kids craft bin. In years past I might have burned them all, in my grief.
A friend of mine advertises on facebook to send cards to her son's stocking so they have something to open for him on Christmas day. I wonder if I should do the same? Pre empt the pain of Christmas cards. May I steal your idea for next year Tiffany?
Well happy new year all! Another year closer to heaven.
