For awhile, when I was so sure this boy I'm carrying was a girl I could handle baby girls again. When we found out he was a he I was sad and disappointed but I got over it, I am truly looking forward to meeting our boy. But time has done what it does best and moved on. And as it moves on I am finding little girls harder and harder to deal with again. As Eva would have grown older so does the age in which I find little girls hard. Now any girl age three and a half or younger is hard. This is not something I anticipated. This missing of my daughter as she grows...
This sorrow I carry. It does not fade. It changes and I can deal, most of the time, pretty well but this sorrow travels with me always. I read on another blog that mama couldn't let the sorrow overcome her or she would miss out on the time with her two other daughters. I thought this was well said. I try to not let the sorrow overcome me but the pain of missing Eva is just so strong I'm not sure I can really manage that. I am never, ever completely happy. There is always a tinge of sorrow. Some days more some days less but as I journey through missing Eva there is always sorrow and I miss that girl more than I can describe.
Today Samuel asked me why I want so many pictures of Eva. I said it's because I don't get to hold her or talk to her and then we played around with what we might say to our breathing Eva if she was here..."be quiet Eva, wash your hands Eva, Eva sit still, Samuel you can hold Eva's hand for children's story, go potty Eva, eat your food Eva" and as I spoke those words with Samuel I realized how little I get to actually say her name. How much my soul aches to say her name in everyday situations. I hate this constant aching.
I am not the only one who has suffered or will suffer the loss of a child. There are no guarantees in life but I have to live with my own road of sorrow and grief and one thing I've learned on this road is that others may share the road with you but you walk alone. Grief is a lonely walk.
I know this isn't true but I felt like God owed me a girl of my own. A girl that might look like Eva. A girl part me and part Mike. Apparently God has different ideas anyway and,besides, I know he owes me nothing. I had hoped that a baby girl of my own would take the sting out of little girls for me but that is not meant to be and so, baby girls, little girls...they sting.
A few people have said to me they hope I have lots of granddaughters but that does not lessen the sting any because those grand daughters will not be the daughters of my daughter.
I'm realizing that I just have to learn to live with the sting of little girls. It's not what I anticipated in this life.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I am old. Old and tired and my face is really starting to show my age. Grief and weeping for coming on three years does nothing for your skin either.
I care for five children here on earth plus the one growing in my belly. I mourn one and I struggle with envy. I envy people their perfect mix of boys and girls. I envy people their frivolously happy lives. A life I once lived. I envy people who can walk down the street holding their daughters hand without wishing for another hand. I envy especially people with a pile of boys and a girl at the end. The people we used to be.
I'm old and I'm envious and I grieve. I grieve my daughter. I grieve the life we would have had if she had lived. All our children potty trained now. No massive beluga of a van. No sideshow as we walk through costco. No belly crushing me with yet another boy. A boy I am grateful to have but can't help wishing had been a girl.
I'm done in these days. Maxed out beyond belief. Envious, grief filled and resentful. Resentful of other peoples miracles. Why them and not us? Why any child but especially why my Eva? Why would God bother to give me my heart's desire and then snatch it away so quickly? And I'm done in, done in and exhausted...done being pregnant and so I grieve that too because my heart's desire will only ever be a figment...a mist on the horizon.
In case you hadn't noticed I'm old, I'm tired, I'm envious, I'm grieving and I'm plain old sad tonight. Missing all the should have beens that swirl around me...
Monday, May 12, 2014
Yesterday was a mixed bag for me. I was so, so sad missing my littlest girl and so happy to have my boys and Josie. Feeling betrayed by God for taking my one precious Eva.
Spent part of the day thinking about some that I know who have it so much worse and how, still, I wish so much that my own particular little Eva hadn't died.
Spent another part of the day thinking on those who seem to have it so much better and easier. Selfishly wanted them to suffer just a little bit too. So they could have a glimpse of the hell bereaved parents live in every day.
Spent another part of the day simply enjoying the children I have in my life now. Wondering how my Eva would have been a part of the day. Would she like ketchup on her hot dog like Mike and the other kids or would she prefer mustard like me? Would she be a big eater like her brothers or talk non stop like Josie? All this I'd like to know...
God I miss that girl. Still and every day but especially on Mother's Day when children should spend the day with their moms.
Mother's Day, my most favourite holiday that penetrates my heart like a two edged sword.
Mother's Day. Day of sorrow and joy.