Friday, January 31, 2014

So long

It has been almost two and a half years since my Eva left me. I know I am healing because I cannot tell you exactly how many days or weeks or even months it is since the most terrible day of my life. When once I could tell you how many hours it had been that I breathed without her.

And yet, I feel so lost and alone. So bereft without my girl. 

I just read about a mom who wrote a book about her experience of her daughters death. She started writing it nine months after her daughter died, she got it published by this time. It brought me back to the book I wrote about Eva's death. A book I long to publish. I haven't the gumption to get the manuscript to publishers. A book I would self publish if it wasn't a children's book and in need of illustrations. Even Jerry Sitter's book A Grace Disguised was published there years after his tragedy. 

And here I sit, barely managing to hang on. Barely managing to parent the children I am gifted with and  loving writing. And no book. No nothing. 

Maybe I am wallowing. 

But, honestly, it all feels like yesterday that she died. Yesterday and forever. And how is it that I am supposed to have accomplished anything when she just died yesterday,

A blogger I follow whose daughter died at age three, four years ago has done so much. When I first started following her she seemed so much further along the road of grief than I am. But she is less than two years ahead of me. And I still sit here broken. Grieving.

Another mom I have followed just lost their baby boy last week. Their son died peacefully. They all held him. They have been comforted since his death. 

There was no peace in Eva's death. If I close my eyes I am back in the emergency room screaming in my daughters ear to come back...

She never opened her eyes again and said good bye. She was gone, so gone...and I am alone with my tears.

I guess I just wonder when the fuck I'll get my life back and I know the answer to that is never but when will I be at ease with the new me?

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Cupcake desires

The further I get from Eva's death and the older she would be, the more I wonder about her personality. The more I miss what I am missing. Little J is turning four on Tuesday. She helped make cupcakes for her birthday party tomorrow. It struck me, again, how much I wish I was making sweet cupcakes with Eva too. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014


I made a mistake yesterday. I went into the Carter's store. I was assaulted by girl clothes with hearts on them. Tunics with ladybugs and hearts. Cream coloured onesies with a big red heart on the front. 

Hearts, hearts everywhere...

Valentines is no longer a one day seems we need to lead up to it like we do Christmas. 

And every heart is for Eva. Every heart wrenches my heart. Christmas is over and I thought I would enter a time of having a breather but now I have hearts to avoid.

In some ways valentines is worse than Christmas because I know all those hearts would have been so special for us had our special heart girl lived here on earth.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I wish this pain would leave. I hear that over the years the pain leaves and only love remains but I can no more stop this pain than I can stop breathing. I can wish both things and neither will happen.

I am not at any risk for killing myself but I can understand, without condoning, those who do. The pain is just so ever present. Even in laughter and joy the pain of separation is always there. 

The first year after Eva died I dragged myself to church every Sunday (don't ask me why, but I did). The songs stuck in my throat. Sunglasses were my ever present companion and my cheeks were chapped from weeping. I would stand there and pinch my arm as hard as I could. Feeling something, anything other than the pain of loss was less painful than the missing of her.  

And I can understand why people start to booze or do drugs or kill themselves. Anything, anything to make the pain stop. I'm not there but I can understand it. Understand the emotional desperation that drives people over the edge. Oh yes. I can understand it. 

Monday, January 13, 2014

Home again, home again jiggity jig

Home again and our view has changed...

Got off the plane at 2am and in bed at 4:30 am. Everyone is happy to be home but I have loads of laundry to do...

This is the first time it hasn't been super hard to come home to a home without Eva. Surprisingly. I'm sure it will hit when I least expect it....that's the thing with grief is you expect something really hard and it's ok but then something else will knock you out when you least expect it...

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

More about Mexico and a Zipadeezip review.

Nathan has never been what you would call a good sleeper. It's never bothered me in the long as he's breathing, I'm good....and yet...there are times i wouldn't mind sleeping all night long...

As a newborn he loved the swaddle, and, if I do say so myself I am an expert swaddler and nary a baby has escaped my swaddle. Enter Nathan and no matter how tightly I had him swaddled he managed to wriggle out an arm....whack himself in the face, whip his soother out of his mouth and wake himself up. 

I discovered a zipadeezip. What is a zipaeezip you ask? Well, it's a handy little suit you pop your baby into and zip him up. He is then restricted enough but still enjoying some freedoms and ability to crawl when he can or wants to etc...

We've found our zippy to be most awesome for travelling as we have buckled Nathan into his car seat wearing it...bundled him onto the plane asleep and warm in his suit...had him nap on the plane in it and transfer to a bus...and so on...

Here's a photo of Nathan wearing one as we travelled to Mexico this last week...

We've been here for a few days now and have used it in the stroller and In the hotel. I love how he settles when he's wearing it...he knows it's time to rest. But he can still move. Here he is zonked out in the stroller...

And of course we also used it in the air conditioned hotel room...

And when he wakes up early in the morning and decides NOW is the time to rip my hair out and gauge out my eyes...well, he also can't dig his razor sharp nails in quite as hard, which is nice. I must say.

All in all the zippy has been a fantastic addition to our collection of baby accessories. However, a word of caution. Definitely buy the small. Trust me we went with medium to save money when he was too small for the medium and he managed to get his arm out the neck hole. Now he's firmly into med size but we still use the small way more then the medium.Also we found that an improvement would have been to have two way zippers so that in hot climates mom could open the bottom zipper and let some air in to circulate. Nathan was too hot in his zippy unless we was naked underneath and in the shade, even then I unzipped him when he was fast asleep in the stroller...In our hotel room and at home he usually wears a onesie underneath...

Disclaimer. Zipadeezip provided me with a free zippy to review. The opinion expressed is my own. You can get your very own zipadeezip at and if you use the code zippy, get two dollars off at checkout!

And, because I can, here's the photo of Eva stuck into our hotel mirror I mentioned in my last post...and there is her little brother reflected in the mirror, sleeping soundly in his zippy.

Miss you my little girl.

Even here.


Monday, January 6, 2014

On holiday

We're on holiday. Sunny Mexico. Mike booked us a great deal on New Year's Eve and we surprised the kids with it on New Year's Day, packed and left two days later. 

Beach, sun,'s great! The temperature difference between here and home is fifty degrees! Yes fifty degrees....only one thing could make this holiday better...

Here is Nathan sleeping with dad at the airport en route... I love this cause daddy has Eva's ride shirt on and both his youngest daughter and youngest son are close to his heart in this photo!

We've been on holiday before with the kids and every time it feels like we're leaving our Eva more and more behind. This time, at the last minute I slipped a photo of Eva into my bag the last minute and when we got here I stuck it in the mirror. That made me feel so much better...she's with us, kinda. 

For lack of a beach photo here's a shot of the lobby in which I'm writing this post...

And here's me just now, still enjoying the heat, long after the sun has set...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Our miracle?

I follow a few heart kids and some have died and some have gotten a miracle. I tear up for both. The unbelievable pain of losing your child and the heartache when I see those other kids doing so well. Why didn't we get a miracle? 

Then I look at my little Nathan and know for certain that we did get a miracle. 

I was going to post this on Facebook but have been starting to keep Facebook lighter and airier for the masses rather than true with its ugliness and it's beauty. There was too much ugly and too much beauty in this to let it go to Facebook. 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


I will face this year with courage.

Courage to see hope in the ashes.

Courage to enjoy without offence.

Courage to remember with love.

Courage to acknowledge the blessing of ALL children.

Courage, it takes courage to make it through some days, weeks, years...

The first day of 2014

We rang in the new year with my mom and some friends with their five children. We ate dinner. We played Dutch blitz. It was nice but it was a little melancholy. To count ten children and not eleven. To be all together enjoying time together. To send the herd of children downstairs to watch a movie for awhile but to be without my girl in the midst of a celebration. It was ok though. I made it through without tears, so far.

In the middle of the night Nathan woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep for thinking of my girl and realizing, yet again, that we are passing another milestone without her. Entering another year where there will be no new photos of her. No new memories made of her. The time we had with her was finite. Oct 15 2010-Aug 15 2011. There will be no more of her for us, on this green earth.

Moving forward, it's hard. And there is no choice. There is only one way to go. I comfort myself with the knowledge that every step is a step closer to my girl and seeing her again.

I miss you so much my sweet Eva. You are ever with us but how I long to hold you my little girl.